I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
