she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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