so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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