You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
God, I missed his penis.
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