Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
