420 ftw
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
