Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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