you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
