the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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