So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
