Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
