My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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