What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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