Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
