Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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