do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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