I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
