Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
