Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Randomize
