I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
