I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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