there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
