theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
