at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
