I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
