I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
