this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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