Need sex. Gaining weight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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