I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
