we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
