My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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