Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
