Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
