Capitaan dildo arrescate!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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