Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
