I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
