woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
