first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
