My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
