I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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