I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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