i already hear my dad disowning me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
