Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
