Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
please come you make the beer taste better
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
