Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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