I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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