Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
