The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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