Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
