I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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