I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
