I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
