Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
